Almost 2 years into marriage and this is what Tarik & I have learned

April 17th, 2019 will mark two years of marriage for my husband and I. I’m married to the best person I could ever imagine actually doing life with. I, unfortunately, didn’t grow up with many healthy marriage examples at my fingertips. But the marriages I was blessed to walk alongside established what “happily ever after” fully encompasses. It also taught me that marriage isn’t like the Disney movies I loved as a young child. Marriage is greater and deeper than any man could attempt to explain or ever will accurately depict.

Love and Respect= The Foundation

I quickly began to realize how important it is to establish and stick to healthy boundaries and habits in your marriage. The early years are pivotal to the health of your union. Meaning, whatever habits you get into now tend to stick with you throughout your marriage. This becomes an issue for some couples because when the puppy love and sex don’t smooth you over in the same manner.. what do you have left?

LOVE AND RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER

But okay, what does that really mean?

Wives, your husbands NEED respect. It’s actually wired in their being to thrive or retreat off of feeling respect. This is important to be aware of in conversations you two engage in together and with others. It is vital for each party to know they are being heard and that you also respect what they feel or say.

The goal is to gain understanding, not agree.

Husbands, you really need to learn the best way to love your wives. The book about the 5 love languages is very helpful in this area. My top love languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Other things Tarik will do things like Gifts or Physical Touch also which are great too! Get creative and remember that love is an ACTION not just something we feel. And ladies your husbands want to have their love tank filled too! This can be hard to read because its not always the same way we feel loved.

You can take the Five Love Languages Quiz here

Intimacy Levels With Others Shift

Prior to marriage, you may have had a best friend or a parent you leaned on for emotional support and all around moral leading. Sadly to say but in a marriage that changes completely and it’s absolutely a MUST change. I’ve had and still have girlfriends I hung out with every day and we did everything together. It’s great when you’re single and I believe its healthy! I realized there must come a time when my husband actually holds that space completely. Your best friends are still allowed and should hold a close level of intimacy in your life. That’s why I put forth the effort to make time for them and catch up on the phone when possible.

Healthy tip: Be prudent to always prioritize your marriage! else can wait!

I knew deep inside that there exists an intimate space that my husband is meant to and was also designed to fill up. No other physical person can fulfill your love tank in the same way your spouse is meant to. On that note, your spouse also doesn’t “complete you”. You guys have to come together as two whole people not two half people. When you expect your spouse to “complete you” it creates a dangerous co-dependent relationship that will never be truly fulfilling for either party. It will leave you never feeling loved the way you crave to receive love and will cripple you from learning to love yourself fully.

Marriage Changes YOU

We live in a day and age where marriage has become so casual to people for some reason. The lack of wisdom behind the reality of what marriage vows are is saddening and needs to be openly spoken on. Marriage is something I believe is so deeply beautiful and does change you for the better with the right person beside you. It is the lost wonder of the world. I believe its meant to propel you into your destiny, grow you mentally and emotionally and fulfill you in so many ways you can’t predict! Your spouse should become your mirror and explain and help you grow out of unhealthy habits.

Marriage is designed to sharpen you and the sharpening isn’t always pretty. There have been many times when ive been upset about something Tarik did to only truly find peace in how I can grow to be better every day. As I focused on how I can be the best wife and best friend to him, he shifted. I didn’t have to try and “change him” and thankfully, that isn’t my job.

My job is to LOVE him!

Now it’s time for you to gain another perspective. Most of you voted for Tarik’s thoughts as well, so here they are!

I literally copied and pasted it so there was no meddling on my end… enjoy!

TARIK:

Kennedy has allotted me a paragraph or two so I will do my best to share the most impactful eye openers of marriage. I could write a book about what SHE has taught me alone, but here we go.

Lesson 1: Our relationship prior to marriage was not marriage!

I did not understand marriage until I was married!! I had this preconceived notion that marriage would not change anything. We were pregnant with Na’im before we were married, living together, and our lives were already intertwined intimately in a way that I felt marriage was no different. I felt like it was just for a title change. She gets my last name and now we can officially say we are husband and wife; the ultimate titles above the other titles we give each other leading to that time of marriage. I soon learned that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Marriage is a covenant that has walls of protection surrounding its purpose until we choose to enter the territory. There are levels to intimacy that may only be unlocked in our hearts and minds through entering that covenant. There is another level of commitment that can only be reached by entering into the union of marriage. That’s the point of having weddings. A wedding is not just supposed to be a fun evening, but more importantly, a gathering of those whom the bride and groom entrust to hold them accountable to their commitment. That way, there is a realm of accountability to the vows that were spoken. In Kennedy and I’s predecessor months following our vows, those who attended our wedding have kept in touch with us to check on the health of our marriage. In true commitment, the depth of marriage is eternal.

Lesson 2: Kennedy needs all of me!

John Legend was spot on with his song “All of Me.” Every day I am challenged to commit all of me to our marriage; my time, energy, and all of my being. In the same way, I am committed to her in this way, she reciprocates herself to me. If I have free time, then my top priority is allocating that to my family. If she gives me the ok, then I will do other things. Not to say I can’t do anything else but be home with my family. We both respect each other’s personal space and time alone, but its something that we agree upon and consult each other about before making the decision on our own. This same thing applies to my energy! Often times I feel tired, frustrated, etc but I still will pour myself into other things that are energy consuming. I have shortchanged my family in the process at times. I’ve matured to now giving my family any energy I have beyond what I do for a living that is so tiresome. The deepest one of the three commitments is all of my being. This means I trust Kennedy. She has access to all of the innermost places and I had to heal from insecurities; let her into my closet where all my skeletons are, and I have to be fully vulnerable and susceptible to her. She has to have access to my depth in order for us to love each other as we are called. This is really tough for a man to do. To let down his pride, overcome his insecurities, and allow his spouse to permeate all his walls. She needs access to all of me. If I remain hidden in any way, then that hinders our marriage; because I will treat her some way that stems from something she never caused and doesn’t deserve to bear that burden. My past should not be her prison; nor should my insecurities or walls be either. I was blessed with her for many reasons. One of the reasons takes me being humbled before her to allow her to nurture my wounds in order for me to heal from all of my past hurt. I have many mentors, advisors, and friends and she wears all these titles for me and is the greatest of them all.

Lesson 3: Unselfishness!

One of the greatest attributes I have acquired since being married is being unselfish. Not to say I am perfect in this category. I’m far from perfect! I realize every day how much selfishness was and is really in my heart, but because of her grace and our love, I am able to grow. Marriage has challenged me to be more and more unselfish. Not to mention, adding a kid into the mix. Even before Na’im, I would be astonished at how unfair I would be in wanting things my way. With that, I also spent a lot of time trying to change Kennedy to be like me; which is totally wrong. She is amazingly made and needs to be every part of her. Whatever she can learn from me would be great, but she must stay true to Kennedy. That is a difficult truth to accept at first and can be very frustrating; especially when you lack a healthy context of partnership in a relationship. Kennedy is a prolific woman. In the same way, she has to walk out the challenge of nurturing me. I tell you, it is not easy nurturing Tarik Black. There are a lot of layers to me that can get very difficult to navigate. At times, it feels easier to put your burden on your significant other’s back, and believe it’s best if they functioned more like you. We have the notion our spouse’s assimilation to our ways is the solution, but for me, it was me trying to take the easy way out; instead of communicating with her and seeking truth and a healthy solution that best serves our relationship.

These are a few of the deeper lessons I’ve learned in marriage, but these lessons have been the catalyst to my greatest growth. Growth is not easy, but it is prosperous. My marriage is so fulfilling because we put in the work to nurture it and harvest its blessings. I hope these lessons inspire others and will put marriage in better perspective to those who read this.

*Disclaimer: Tarik and I aren’t marriage therapists we are just speaking on what we believe and have learned!*

Comments

Ursula Bobo says

December 10, 2018 at 3:35 am

I agree with both views on marriage. After being married for 31 yrs I am still learning from my husband and vice versa.. You two are on the right path. Thank you both for sharing!!

Bianca says

December 10, 2018 at 8:56 am

Beautifully written! This is actually a great read for newly weds or for people who are single. Very rare are there thoughts from an honest and genuine point of view and this is it. Looking from the outside in and being around you guys, I can see and feel the level of respect that you guys have for each other. I pray for many many more years of love and blessings! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us.

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